Eulogy.

Why is that I hear a scream every time you say that name?
I remember the old forsaken ways,  the empty houses with people.
I remember the old happy days being replaced with new ones that make me faint and drift away.
Oblivion and infinity intertwine in my words,
Love and hate being compared and chosen from.
Clarity over fights that never made it's way into reality.
Why did you fight?  If you only intended to end it anyway?
How come you never warned me I was going to be the fool,
How come you let this happen to me when I believed in happy endings?

And I swear, I heard my lungs collapsing,  my mouth quivering,
At the very sight of your shadow over my new life.
I don't know what to say when I see your graceful face,
I know the demonic blisters underneath your silver smooth skin.
I screamed and I remember it now,
Those voices in my head were mine and you told me it was illusions.
And now you are back to make sure I am one too.

Then I run,  I run and crash into you.
Rip you off from your infamous prestige,
The way you ripped me off of my humanity.
When the love stories seemed to burn in my tongue,
Happy endings that were torn apart from my eyes.
I was drowning in air,
Like it was salty water I had just inhaled,  back then
Or why else would I wake up with pale blue skin.
"Have some faith. " , he said.
Back then.
While his flaming eyes of ego etched my brain of a nightmare.
While I lied there draped in white,
Draped in white,  and under my skin
Blood ran cold and the casket was going in.

But you threw my world into a hurricane and watched it from the eye.
And you told me I was going to live trapped inside this feeling of never being safe.
Of eyes that will rip me more off of myself.

But now that I am saw and away,
I don't remember a help that came.
I don't remember people listening to me speak in vain.
And I remember laughter that subdued my screams.
Back then, things were never easy to be the same.
And now I am here and you are nothing more than a nightmare.
And one day I'll never have you hanging over my life again.
One day.

Imagine if this was an eulogy of a seventeen year old.
Would you cry or be her?
Would you wonder if you could have changed the world for her.

Walk away.

Walk away,
Walk away if you need to,
From the green grassy earth to the barren one.
From the home you’ve built to the one you only dreamed about .
From the sun to the moon.
Walk away if you have to.
But don’t walk upon me,
I’m not your trek road nor your trademark.
I’m not you or the one you wanted me to be.
I do not need you any longer or your validation.
You’ve used up all my grace and now you’ve got nothing on me.
Nothing chaining me to you.

I’m not your trophy nor your disposal.
My hair is not your clutch purse,
My hands no longer yours to grab.
My face never your punching bag again.
You are not my sanctum,
The ring no longer my circle.
I won’t run from you or for you.
I’ll fight, I’ll scream,I’ll raise my hand, my voice.
You’ll see the demon in my eyes,
I’m never letting it die again.
I’ll make my ground , throw away your drawers
The memories or pain won’t keep me awake.
I’ll sleep in my bed, not being afraid of shadows.

My skin will be happy, it will never be blue again.
My bedroom floor will be empty,
Not your clothes or my shattered body will lie there again.
You won’t come back.
Even if you do, you won’t see me.
There will no longer be broken mirrors,
No more torn clothes.
I’ll walk away, away from the love which wasn’t love.
I’ll walk away.
I’ll leave for a better chance.
I’ll stay alive and safe, far away in a home I wanted.
Your empty promises will be in my past.
A past I’ll never let another have.

We can walk away.
Away from the trash and torture.
We won’t run for a second,
We’ll fight every biased mind and fight every blame.
We’ll stay strong and we’ll stay safe.
Because I did, so you can do the same.
For our daughters and mothers and sisters,
For the ones who never had the chance to say a word.
Without being framed.

Let’s walk away with every broken piece and left over dignity .
With hopes that still beat feverishly.
You and me, we can fight to walk away,
We no longer have to stay. 

Hysterics.

Beauty is seldom seen and held by the very few,
Yet it’s been boasted about by the millions that tread this planet.
Shining bright like that rusted stone,
We hold a piece of every soul that have made its way into our lives.
Though we may not know what we possess,
We seem to know what we do not want.
For our minds are our battlefield
And the voices inside our head are not what they seem to be.

You asked me for my patience and you gave me anarchy.
The world I knew was fading and now all that remains are ruins.
Trying to remember what a memory looks like.
Knowing what’s wrong yet I do not wish to move .
A million things going wrong, but everything feels so right.
A hundred feet I fall and I learned to fly high.
I lean into your scars and see how immaculate they are.

We were ready to break the air for the things we loved,
Now we burn our bones and keep the love warm.
We seem to love what we have realized.
And you look like you’ve forgotten your ways which haunt your days.
You seem to live like a story that makes me rush.
Your hands intertwined in my thoughts.
Keeping me alive with the things that run wild and free.
Your promises like a book that’s been reread by my soul.

You are another hypothesis bidding me a new adventure,
And I am your favorite hysteric.

Him and I.

"Do you think people really change? "
He asked me in between the cracking of our call.
And I fell through my memory lane.
It was a hard [thud] fall and not a stroll.
The dreaded nights and happy mornings.
Goodbyes over hot coffees, lunch with nobody.
Music with no symphony, lullabies that never made me sleepy.
The torn books, stained shirts.
Stitches and blood on the bathtubs.
The love,  the friends, the strangers in the middle of the conversation at 2 am.
The movies I binge watched.
The eyeliner that covered up my sleepless eyes.
Long shirts and funny socks.
Plans and trips we only talked about.
Dreams and virtues that we're written down.
Faith that wouldn't drown.
Sins we tried to forgive ourselves for.
Lovers that were lessons.
Treasures that was only on top of the misery.
Greed that turned his heart to stone.
Fame that changed a brother to a photograph.

Hallways where our laughter still echo.
Lunchboxes that were filled with magic in our mouth.
Houses we lived across.
Lives we never touched upon.

I was brought back to reality with his clear voice.
And all I could say was
"We do in papers and stories. We try in real life. "
I glanced at the ring on my finger.
The promise of change and what-nots.
For a greater understanding that lies in my heart.
A buried question I was not afraid to ask anymore.
"Would you want me to change? "
And I realized that I wasn't afraid of the question but the answer.
I regretted every second after.
Then all I remember is the vow he made over my silence
"Not even in our darkest days.  I'd want you to stay the same for the eternity you write about. "
I woke up hearing that on repeat everyday then.

Maybe we don't change.
So we don't have to ask anyone else to either.
And then do not compare change to betterment,
It never was the same to begin with. 

Myself.

Lately I have stopped being quiet,

Because I have seen and heard things I have not told you yet.

I’ve been alone in my darkest pits,

I’ve been broken in my happiest moments.

And I saw who cared and who hadn’t, and I saw myself.

The dark side and the bright side and the one in between.

I saw my labels float the empty space in my head,

Lighting up all my memories and I have searched for the good ones.

I saw I have been myself, 

And you have been everything you are not.

So I’m the wolf and you are the hunter.

Ever since my mind has been able to write and my heart to feel the words,

I have been telling the papers who I am,

The people, well they can see it in my eyes.

And sometimes I’m so messed up in my own world, where you don’t see any meaning.

Like every other human, I have been different in the most insane way,.

And today is no more different than the days I have been slashed with words.

Every drop of water from the shower, 

The black and white films,

I’d still remember the liars and the haters, and the lovers before them.

The ones who knew nothing but told the opposite.

I’ll be the wolf hunting the hunter.

Lygophiliac, you can call me,

But I’d still be in the sunlight, with my eyes set on you.

I’ll defy the same things you carved into my head.

I’ll stitch my own wounds,I have done that already.

I’ll sneak into the terrace again, walk on the ledge, fall, if I have to.

I’m in your head.

Delicate as my own finger nails,

Blue bathtubs and black tiles,

You don’t know me, but I’ll let you.

I’ll let you try, because I know you want to.

You don’t know my dreams, the plans in my head.

My mirror, I wrote on the walls, I wrote in red.

I wore black but I was dressed in white.

I’ll choke myself but I won’t change my life,

I won’t hid my slashed wrists,

I will tell you the reasons and I’ll anticipate your answers.

Yet I knew what it was,

I was the one you were afraid to have and lose.

Twisted, so is fate.

I want to own this record,

I want myself.

Collide.

I’ll be the wave and you be my rock,
Watch me crash into you like perfection meet flaws.
Touch me and burn in your dreams a million stars that fall out of my skin,
You’ll never be alone once you’ve seen the sky in my veins.
Like the fire in ice, colder than the queen that was vile,
I was not a match, I was beyond comparison.
Yet you knew very well about my mysteries,
Still you chose to be left with something at the end of our story.
The messed room and short hair,
I knew I found a galaxy to be lost in.

I let you collide, through my imperfect life.
Pictures at the edge of every sheet,
Words that couldn’t be drowned in water.
My slashed wrist and your stitches,
We made hypocrites be jealous,
Hysterically, I was afraid to let go now.
The strings of your guitar, the sound of the wind.
Same as the days when we were just innocent faces.
The nights when I slept in between my mother’s arms,
And my dad’s hand over my head.
And now I lie here in a bed new to me,
All by myself yet I feel safe the same way.

And I craved the street foods, the baggy clothes,
Black nail paint, and closed doors,
Silence is not my obvious goal.
Let me meddle with your head for you are too naive in my world.
Let me scare the fear out of you,
So I can drown with you as my words float into the oblivion.
I’ll be the dream you weren’t afraid to chase.
I’ll be the pillow that you suffocate.
So that you can be my only daemon, whom I cannot tame.

And my mirror will be clean and yours will be red,
Don’t fret, we can paint it over again.
It’s the soul of the society that will be charcoal.
Let’s use it to pave our way,
Tread upon the bliss we aren’t blind about.
Take with us the ones that have the same roaring in their talks.
I’ll walk away when I know you are strong enough,
Yet I’ll always be there, but you won’t see me,
For I’ll be myself and you’ll be you.
It might take us time to collide back into our dimension.
Till then,
I love my heart.

Reasons.

I played it all too far,
Holding on to something I knew.
And not only that but I cried my tears a river,
But u didn't know anything about me.
So I gave it to you, my heart, my love.
And you told I was too young to be broken like glass.
Yet you wanted me like ghosts wanted souls.
We had an empty room,
We painted it black and blue,
You came home with pictures and food,
I never knew to cook.
And you never bothered to think why.

We forget about the time,
We wake up messed and young.
The nights are our favorite but you started to love the sun.
I hid under the blankets,
Waiting for you to find me.
You told me stories and I told you sorry for the distorted ways.
We wed under the lights,
You put up stars in the sky.
We had a ceiling and a bunch of clothes,
We had enough money to be on the run.

And we'd never talk about leaving each other,
We had too many memories to make and remember.
You gave me time for my own mistakes and my own happiness,
You liked my friends and called them family,
And I knew I found the right one in you.
We hang about listening to songs,
You make up your lyrics and sing them when we are alone.
You never left me alone.
And you knew me even in my silence.

Just like some reasons we never said.
We always had one another in misery and fortune.
We made our home by the mountains.
We had our own view.
We had our own reasons to live.