i was there at 2 a.m,
when you needed to know you were loved.
i stayed till midnight to understand your reasons.
i told you i love you even when i didn't love myself.
took every hurt, every word like a bullet.
and covered my wounds with band-aids.
but every time it ripped i was on the floor.
i was a fool for thinking i could keep it all together.

for so long, I've loved myself so much because
just. just because.
your tragedy is always yours. and it's always the worst.
so is mine.
but i don't live or go back in the past,
i know it looks like that but it isn't.
i just remember things i don't want to.
you've stayed down for weeks, pushed me to a corner.
and i knew what i'll get towards the end was worth it all.
but i wish i was stronger to tell you i was hurt.

I've had way to many dark nights to see the light any different.
i'm just happy to wake up sad or happy, i'm just grateful for most days.
i know you don't like when i fall down,
but i need to break these walls and bones,
to feel like a piece of me is still worth fighting for.
because there are days i want to give up.
write a letter, leave a voicemail.
write a song for you and leave this city for a while.
but i want to come back to you at the end of everything.
so i'll stay,
i'll stay till the day i'm just someone and not the one.
because i'm scared a day like that is starting to exist.

for all the happy montages and sad songs and poems,
i'll be graciously grateful if i could be so.
and for you, i'll always thank life
but for me, i'll always make another wish.
wish to be understood without questions or reasons to hold me responsible,
just for a while my mind could be read without my mouth
i'll wish for myself to not be thought as to still go back to my past.
because i love myself and too much to lose it all on the things that gives me nightmares.
your tragedies are yours in your own way.
mine is just mine in a different way.
people are broken in different ways.
always remember,
if i could have ever been happy it was always with you and me.

shattered, loved, some new cities live in my coffee.
I've got unmade bed and love stories that reach an end in five pages.
It's 2015,
my first butterfly. My first reality.
Boy, I wish I knew you differently then.
you leave in a month. I've got two years of misunderstood feelings.
you leave tonight , oops. Stay?
It's 1:30 a.m , I'm tucked in and you blare my phone up.
Is this serendipity? Cause honey, I haven't told you yet.
But you could be the one to calm my storms.
You saw me past midnight,
I buried myself like my collar bones.

Oh, our love could go deeper.
you mean life with your name.
you haven't heard from me in a year, I've always loved to keep you swept off of your feet.
Two texts and a week later,
love stories that crumble always started in such a haste.
we guessed ours was different.
I loved your hands on my hair.
was it different?
"Make  try me."
you were cautious around me. you were you around me.
you called me beautiful once,
but i lit up more when you called me unique.

you read my lines and you saw pure glow.
you knew me more now,
you know I'm more than I show.
I knew you were here for the picture,
with fights and ugly bits as much as the pretty pink days.
grow with me, I'll show we are more than the worlds inside us.
I'll talk with you to the moon, and we can be high when the morning refines us.
though we'll be sober,
maybe our worlds beneath will know,
our love was to stay.

Sugar nights.

It's sweet, you are worried when I leave home,
It's 8 at night, it's colder in your bones.
You think you'll find my SOS soon.
It's genuine, your love your care.
It's hard to see me walk out, you stay put.
Our world has gone stir crazy,
Girls stay home scared, boys walk as our shelter.
And they are scared too.
I raise my voice, you pray I'm not noticed.
You want me alive.
It's sweet like sugar, but dark as the ocean near its bed.
You don't want me on papers.
You don't want me below six feet.


Clouds, stars, you count seconds like minutes.
Are you hurt or scared?
I'm almost home, you're almost alive.
It's funny how our world keeps us beating down every emotion.
Will you love me most?
I miss watching sunstes by the mountain.
I miss walking out for a fresh breeze when the times get rough.
For all those birds i don't see anymore,
I dont want walls, i want picket fences.

But who am i to ask for anything?
My freedoms been reduced to criterias on a paper.
I wonder when I'll be able to see my family, or my friend her's.
Whether she prays for their long life or life atleast.
It's scary as the nights, bittersweet dreams.
My world is no longer mine.
I'll find a new home,
What about the other million then?
I miss the suagr nights. 

Burn.

Should we break a wall,
Bruise our souls and walk through fire to be loved differently than last time.
Why do i see you different at heart but hurt the same?
Do you love yourself or are you searching for that within me?
I've seen your heart and you deserve heaven,
I've seen your eyes and you deserve peace.
Look at me and tell me you believe the same for me.
Because you told me you love me to let me feel safe, safer.
Its beautiful when we hold each other,
Its tough to be apart.
And you seem to forget that I'm not going anywhere.
But i like you scared of losing me.
Then why are you losing me now?
There was never a story in any books that taught us how to strive through hard times.
I'd burn this whole house down tonight.
And I'd leave with you and be alone in days i dont want to.
But if it's love that we need,
We've got to bruise a little out of love.
Its in our hands to choose,
To be hurt for love or because of love.

Ripped.

And I want to know what drink makes you happy,

How many pills you need to forget my name.

Or what song makes you want to love me,

Just to let go of it tomorrow.

Tonight we are ripped off of our luxuries,

We’re left sober and we don’t know why we are high.

Skipped breakfast to feel a little more alive,

Until we hurt our ribs as they tear our flesh apart.

It’s anorexic when we show our bones, shine through this skin,

But dramatic when we show feelings?

Darling, be real.

If you are ripped, you are a masterpiece on the run,

Ironically beautiful at the broken places, stronger than the stitches.

That little girl in the bathroom sink,

With bloodshot eyes and a frail smile.

Like constellations made mundane, how she was brave enough to be quiet.

Just to not hurt the ones she loves the most,

Like an undone story. Love, love her.

Love me. Like her fine hair,

All tangled and falling on her shoulder. Blinding the sun from her eyes.

Did she know I loved her? Did someone tell her she should love herself?

Sipping coffee, in her striped cardigan, at my table.

Her fingers were thin and always moving,

She always had something to write, to tell.

Every armour of mine was stripped,

She touched me and I knew there would be history,

Like art that cannot be trapped in a museum.

She left me, in my home.

And her bed lay empty and I never waited on her.

Because I never waited for her when I met her,

So why would I when she has ripped herself apart from me in this world?

You.

.......

I read your letters, every one of them.

The last the most, because I keep searching for your goodbye,

In words, lines and different languages.

The ink fades, your voice louder than before.

My hands, trembling, wine on the floor.

Whine in the bathroom, crying in the party.

Phone in my hand, voicemail empty.

Like how you tried to leave me, in my black dress and your blue suit,

My heels, your diamonds.

Still rummaging my brain for your goodbye,

And suddenly I stopped,

To listen, and then I realized,

You never said hello to begin with.

Promises.

I never told you I'd stay, but i promised to love.
And you told me you wouldn't let go but somehow you kept your word.
So tell me how we are miles apart still,
When we used to be so close like fingertips,
Crossed fingers or trusted falls.
We were flares that didn't die down in depths to bury
The galaxies that behold the gracious tragedies.
Humans turned ghosts even when they were lying on the same bed,
And we wouldn't be.
Like water that never gets touched twice,
You heart and my tears.
And you,
Oh you of all the ones I hold so close,
Why is it so hard to say goodbyes and hi to you?


I know love is something that flows in tears and echoes in laughter,
Bridges made in families, falling and burning
Just because you went away to be okay.
This is also love,
Because we want to be tended to, fallen for,
Mundane things always got the better of our race.
Somehow we dodged bullets and endings,
We didn't even start to write our fights
So tell me how can I let go of something I dream of to make a home?
Like lanterns that stay hovering, and we keep wanting to bring them down.
Love, are you my blood or my soul?

I'm wandering and you are hurting.
I know you wanted me to be the one i used to be.
But my dreams lie far out of my comfort amd for that,
I have changed the darkness inside me.
But oh my,
The love you have poured into my forming heart,
It has always been the same.
This is a promise I have sewed into the strings of the heart I hold.
And promises won't be broken,
Even when i have been.