I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my grades in school,
For the way I've changed.
I'm sorry for letting you down,
For being different than what you had in mind.
I'm sorry for my flaws that makes me human,
For being irresponsible at times.
I'm sorry for being a mess,
For hiding my woes.
I'm sorry for not understanding you,
For being blind to your struggles.
I'm sorry for not keeping up to my word,
For being mundane.


But,
Thank you for not giving up on me,
For trusting me again.
Thank you for not making me feel less worthy,
For pushing me to new boundaries.
Thank you for your scoldings,
For being there for me.
Thank you for loving me,
For never leaving me at my dark times.
Thank you for giving me all you had,
For showing me there is still good left in this world.

And I've spent months sulking in,
Hours trying to catch up to  the things I left undone.
To the losses and gains,
The heart breaks and therapy sessions in my shower.
The puffy eyes and salt kissed cheeks.
The day where I realised my own fragility
The time I accepted my vulnerability.
Trying to make peace with whatever daemons I have got left.

I let my fears drive me,
I let my guard cage my heart.
And I searched for happiness in places I never wanted to be.
But my dear misguided heart never knew this until the fire I kept putting out turned into the sun.
And my mistakes were like scars of a battle,
Worn proudly without a pinch of embarrassment
My mask buried in the ground,
My stories in your head.
My name at the tip of your tongue.

And I was sure I wanted to be here,
I am sure I am where I'm supposed to be.
And I know fairy tales may not be true,
And it's alright,  because I don't want a golden carriage or a prince charming,
I want that cozy cottage and the fireplace,
And my family around me to keep me warm at heart.
And forever don't seem like such a bad idea,
So I'd like to have that too.

That diamond on her.

It's 12 am and she is finally alone,

alone with her own thoughts, with her own reflection.

She unties her hair, perfectly styled , without any split ends.

She splashes water on her face, drowns her body afterwards,

that layer of fake skin is finally off of her.

Clear water turn black as it falls of her lashes to her cheeks,

she seems to look so different, so clean.

And there she stood, watching her own face after a long day,

feeling that tinge of coolness and hoping it stays the whole night.

Hoping she could do the same tomorrow morning without doubting.

She can't handle the cold water in the shower,

her feet never stays on the floor.

She turns her bath time to her karaoke stage,

singing songs with mixed up lyrics and not making any sense.

Looking at the mirror, smiling as if she has never had a heartbreak,

her crooked teeth show up, and she snorts while she laughs at herself.

Isn't it so beautiful, seeing her love her own self?

The worst disguise has gone down the drain,
Her freckled skin and the dimples at the bottom of her spine,

little things turned beautiful in time.

Her sorrows and regrets don't stand a chance.

She has changed and become better far too long ago.

Never listen to these strange sayings,

the superstitious lady across her hall,

the man who laughed at her when she failed to retort.

Then there is her mother, the one with whom she could never have any disputes.

Her father, her knight in shining armor, never letting harm find her.

Her sister, with whom she fought, whom she could not live without.

And this home, where everything was born, where memories clinged onto defeating time.

She was happy to have been found,

by the things she could not make sense without.

The books on which she spilled her coffee,

The photographs that were stacked in her room.

She was finally home, she was finally what her heart desired.

With the people she loved around her.

She never wore that fake skin layer,

she never saw water turn black on her cheeks again.

She never worried about the sayings.

She wore her skin and got kissed by the sun.

Turned grey in her own house,

listened to songs that she had wrote long back,

She was with her family, by blood and by heart.

and that smile, oh my, that smile looks like diamond on her.

She is you, she is me,

She is every girl on this planet, and maybe beyond.

And she looks beautiful in her own skin, she looks like herself without any layers on.

She looks like the girl who loves herself forever more.

So...is this?

So I'm turning seventeen soon, but it's just a number.
And I don't know why just the past three years are different than any other.
Why sixteen is called sweet sixteen?
Isn't every year different with its own twists and plots?
And I am not sure if I want to freeze the time or go back in it.
No, I have travelled past it by now.
But I still love the smell of old library books and black tea in the rain.
With all these rhetorical and sophisticated questions people throw at me
Even the simplest phrases gets complicated.
So is this about going back?

And all these slang, foul words and abbreviations created everyday,
Looks like people are forgetting to spell.
And the efforts of a teenager to fit in is so devastating,
Because in reality, she was made to stand out of the crowd.
Pity, isn't it?
That we don't realise how good we truly are deep inside rather than this mirrored face.
These classes gets so boring,
How come school never teaches us what it is to live like ourselves?
So is this about change?

High school has both ups and downs,
We need more shows like "13 reasons why" and less dramas.
High school is where you are supposed to make memories and not tragedies.
The laughter we share with our loved ones walking through the hallway,
Being ourselves and not labelling any other human being.
That's where we start doing good, even to ourselves.
The extroverts have their own lonely days.
The wallflower is actually a person with crazy dreams.
So is this about the prejudice?

This,my dear world, is teenage at its own design.
At least for me it is.
And sometimes it's okay to stand out.
It's okay to feel uncertain about your own feelings,
It's okay to question yourself.
It's better than regretting having made a decision that changed your life in a way you never really wanted.
It's better to be heard for good than for something you would want to take back.
Because we haven't even found out who we are, truly.
What magic we hold is still a mystery.
We are not there yet. I know I am not.

So, seventeen or any other number, it's just a number that goes up by one every 365 days after the day of our birth.
But, the feelings, the thoughts and the experiences,
That marks our age.
That shows us how much we have grown, how much we have lived.

More than this.

She flipped her hair, walked poised and had a pretty smile.
She knew everything and nothing all at once,
She thought there was an escape from this.
She wore make up to hide her puffy eyes,
She screamed in pure silence deep inside her head.
She thought of the times she lay awake,
Dreaming galaxies apart, gleaming into the night sky.
She had to run she knew. These voices were just absurd.
She took her classes and listened to everything.
She was told by someone that things aren't exactly how it looks.
She wanted to believe things will change,
So she did.

She believed in simple things and a simple heart.
Maybe that's why nobody understood her.
Maybe that's why her spoken words were never justified.
That's the root cause for why nobody ever wanted to listen to her
Maybe she might run now,
She might disappear into another dimension.
Where people don't judge,
Where love is not measured or marked down with mistakes.
Or maybe this is all another plan of her unknown dreams.

She carved her heart on pages and wrote her way into solitude.
She started to change, to be free of those demons.

She couldn't understand these noices and chaos,
She didn't know whether she should try or just leave it all.
She was so confused with these familiar faces,
She was in doubt, she didn't call this home now,
They look at her like she is a masterpiece though her edges are torn apart.
She held apathy to these materials, to these hypocrites.
Her cage was left open tonight.
This is a battle we all have fought.
I never knew what this was.
That little girl who knew nothing but simple things seems to be a faded memory now.
She has changed a lot and by far.

She slept without a blanket now,
She stared deep into the blackness.
She fought everything and everyone, she fought herself too.
They all remembered her now,
The close ones and far ones apart, she was no longer home.
She was what you call a thesis,
But she slept peacefully somewhere in the globe now,
She was home, she was herself.
The sixteen year old who had a deep heart.

She was no longer scared, she no longer needed validation.
She no longer dreamed of this heavenly place,
She was finally here tonight.

No, you won't know.

So it goes somewhat like this,
It happened once long ago and here we are digging it up all over again.
It was sweet words and long nights with fairytales.
Then it all turned bittersweet and twist of fate.
So yes, this is how every story goes now.
Like every heart has a story waiting to be told.
Why? How come you don't look at yourself anymore?
No, not in a mirror but through your mind.
Your soul isn't what it used to be before.

I used to hold your hand and think it was safe.
Like your grip is made out of iron and no hurricane can take me away.
But now I'm not sure, I'm not sure.
Why did you let me change my views about you?
Is this how we grow? Is this the way I'm going to lose my childhood dreams?
I don't need the Cinderella stories to come true but just you.
I don't need your sugarcoated words but just those eyes to have that shine.
For you may not know,
But this means something special.
This is what I'm in love with.

Could you stay the night? Not because it's cold.
But because I'm scared you might lose your way.
You're my shelter, you're my adventure.
You are something I haven't seen for awhile.
People may think I am wrong,
But I won't let it in between us both.
You were with me when you I was born, when I had those crazy schemes keep me awake.
I don't need anybody but your validation.

So at least now you might hear me out,
Because I'm almost close to my last breathe.
And I need to know whether you'll come with me like before, everywhere.
You are my heart, my one ,
The one whom I always carry around.
My sweet dreams.

Silence.

It's just a word, a feeling, a knowing, a situation and at times a choice.

But what does it do anyway?

How does it kill us or mend us?

Sure it's something we hear in a bus full of strangers,

In an exam hall it's what we keep,

In our sleep it's what we do.

But what is it when you are with your loved ones?

Is it just a feeling or a state of being?

How can we define it when we have so much terms related to it,

Yet all those make no sense in pure reality.

Why does it cling onto us when it's our chance to rise up.

It lives on the tip of tongue, on the very edge of our lungs.

Sure we can all overcome it but what after?

How can we describe something which actually means to keep shush?

Is it all just a written down theory held close to the logic that surrounds us,

Or is it just some kind of a fantasy we still haven't let go of?

If he knew what was his heart's desire maybe his smile would change,

If she could understand her crazy schemes,she might dream different.

But this is how it all goes down,

The free ones will be caged, clipped wings and chapped lips,

Red eyes and tear stained cheeks,

With a lot of stories hidden behind these walls.

Darling, we know we have hearts, 

So why do we act like we are run by thesis.

Because what you know is what you believe,

So why drown it with the silence.

Don't you know you are strong enough to break it?

It may be a feeling or anything else,

But it can never be you.

So how come all these years you hid you're beauty my dear?
When all you were born to do was shine.
This silence is something you can embrace and change.
It's our teenage and our olden days.
Its all our past intertwined to meet some others.
But don't let it shadow your future.

When all you need is a rude awakening to know all this or a part of this,
This silence won't be there to help you sleep anymore.
You're chaos will be your choice now, a sea to be sailed.
And you can break some bones, make some noice,
Just tell me your stories loud now.

A heart.

I was saved and drowned both at once,
Not knowing what I wanted was my only fear in life.
People told me do what you love but they had their own ideas for me,
And I keep thinking why am I here even?
Are they actually worried about me or their future with me?
It just seems all worked up for some virtual insanity.
So what about my dreams and my likes and my heart?
You taught me to dream but never to how to go after it,
To believe in myself was my self taught lessons in life.

So if u see me standing out of the crowd it's just because I believed in myself and you didn't.
If you see me run and stop for another glance,
I have freed myself tonight.
I never wanted anything but to be me,
And somehow the worldly conceptions tore me apart.
I was left with a dilemma each night to battle with.
Have no one to tell me I'm fine for now.
I never wanted anything more than all this,
But somehow you had your own ideas about me,
Which was not actually me.

So if I'm a stranger now by words, I'm sorry.
But it's just how I have grown up to be,
For all I wanted is to be what my heart possessed.
And now that I am with my dreams I finally want to scream it all out,
To smile to sleep, and not need a pillow around my arms.
I'd still feel at home with you,
I didn't go away to learn to hate but to respire,
To understand and to be alive,
For all I know this world is what I want it to be,
It's never going to be some written down hypocrisy,
Rather a story I might write down.

I've seen my part of world and now I need to fly,
This will be my home,
But I'm afraid I might not settle down and clip my wings again.
For a heart has reasons that not even distance can change.
For a heart is what it is,
A place to believe , a place to dream.