Reasons.

I played it all too far,
Holding on to something I knew.
And not only that but I cried my tears a river,
But u didn't know anything about me.
So I gave it to you, my heart, my love.
And you told I was too young to be broken like glass.
Yet you wanted me like ghosts wanted souls.
We had an empty room,
We painted it black and blue,
You came home with pictures and food,
I never knew to cook.
And you never bothered to think why.

We forget about the time,
We wake up messed and young.
The nights are our favorite but you started to love the sun.
I hid under the blankets,
Waiting for you to find me.
You told me stories and I told you sorry for the distorted ways.
We wed under the lights,
You put up stars in the sky.
We had a ceiling and a bunch of clothes,
We had enough money to be on the run.

And we'd never talk about leaving each other,
We had too many memories to make and remember.
You gave me time for my own mistakes and my own happiness,
You liked my friends and called them family,
And I knew I found the right one in you.
We hang about listening to songs,
You make up your lyrics and sing them when we are alone.
You never left me alone.
And you knew me even in my silence.

Just like some reasons we never said.
We always had one another in misery and fortune.
We made our home by the mountains.
We had our own view.
We had our own reasons to live.

Fairytale.

I was a word until you told me I was phrases.
I wanted mountains to climb,
Until you told me there were seas to dive.
And you, you thought of me so different.
You wrote poems about me being broken but beautiful.
We talked about hysterical movies and you never knew I was one of them.
You told me about your phobia like it was some kind of song,
And you were mine.
I told you that I was an astrophile,
But you said you never saw me look at the sky.
And the answer was right in front of my eyes.

We walked on empty streets,
Carved our names into old trees.
You told me we were forever and I knew I was going to believe you,
Even if you were leaving.
And like every damsel in distress you knew, you didn't know me good.
You thought I would stay awake in the thought of you.
Falling asleep when the sun burns through my eye.
When water burns my skin,
When the dimples on the bottom of my spine won't be my favorite flaw.
But you never thought these roles would be reversed.

And yes we didn't mean for this.
We were just like the fire that never wanted to die.
But you've become the smoke in my dreams,
And the ash from your fags,
Like gasoline that burned the water,
Your shirt that you left behind.
The regrets that burned your skin when you walked out.
The stories you told me about happy endings.
You never wanted one of them.

And though none of this reminds you of how we used to be,
I don't blame you,
None of this was us,
This would have been us if we had found each other in a parallel universe,
Because life isn't so unfair,
Because you never walked away.
You stayed even for the dark parts.
You held my hand tighter than I could ever make words describe.
We never had any happy endings,
Because we never ended.
And maybe this part of our story won't fit in the future,
But our olden hearts and fire like love will always be something to adore.
And you'll have me and I'll have you.
We will be wild,
Yet we will be true.

And we won't correct these mistakes,
Rather we will laugh at them in our fireplace.
So here is our fairytale,
The one that came true.

Hurt.

When I was two, and rainbows were staircases for unicorns,

Life was simple, life was meant to be loved.

People never had questions at the tip of their tongues for me.

People never anticipated anything.

They talked gibberish to match me,

I wasn't making any memories for myself.

All I did was what babies do.

All I knew were words strung together to make less of a sentence and more of noises.

When I was two,

I was the happiest and so were you.

When I was six, and I had only one best friend.

Whose house was mine and whose mother was my friend too.

We tied pigtails and played board games.

We shared chocolates and and chips,

When all we could talk about were avengers movies.

When dressing up was funny.

When rumors and gossips were just words in the dictionary for us.

Those were the times when we would say forever not knowing what it was.

When promises were sacred.

When I was ten, I moved to another country.

I lost my best friend, I made new ones.

They were more like family.

When I was fourteen, reality became two faced,

And memories stayed permanently,

When forever made sense to me.

The times when promises were being broken so quickly,

Hearts were being played with.

The time when nobody warned us about getting hurt so deep.

When nobody reassured we are worthy.

So I slashed my arm, not once but twice, to prove my worth.

To show I can be loved.

But never did I know I was losing my self love while doing so.

When I was fifteen and free.

When words didn't carve my heart so deep,

The time when I forgave myself for the mistakes,

The time when I realized I was not hurting anymore.

So I loved my scars and my imperfect self.

I was not completely devoid of my daemons, nor was I blind to my beauty,

Pouring into these papers,

And the concept of beauty wasn't so negative,

It was seldom seen and held by so little because nobody looks for it at the correct place.

So I've got two families now,

One by blood and one by heart.

Made out of love these both,

When being broken was okay as long as you had the humility to ask for help when you needed.

I was fifteen and someone I had always dreamed to be.

Now I am here, younger than few I know.

Still falling and breaking bones,

But here I am, being the dream you never thought I would chase.

The girl who didn't know how to love herself,

The girl who was once broken.

Made peace with her past,

And now she is busy falling in love with herself.

With her heart open. 

The hurt, the pain,

It all comes together at the end.

The love, the smiles, 

We all need them forever.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my grades in school,
For the way I've changed.
I'm sorry for letting you down,
For being different than what you had in mind.
I'm sorry for my flaws that makes me human,
For being irresponsible at times.
I'm sorry for being a mess,
For hiding my woes.
I'm sorry for not understanding you,
For being blind to your struggles.
I'm sorry for not keeping up to my word,
For being mundane.


But,
Thank you for not giving up on me,
For trusting me again.
Thank you for not making me feel less worthy,
For pushing me to new boundaries.
Thank you for your scoldings,
For being there for me.
Thank you for loving me,
For never leaving me at my dark times.
Thank you for giving me all you had,
For showing me there is still good left in this world.

And I've spent months sulking in,
Hours trying to catch up to  the things I left undone.
To the losses and gains,
The heart breaks and therapy sessions in my shower.
The puffy eyes and salt kissed cheeks.
The day where I realised my own fragility
The time I accepted my vulnerability.
Trying to make peace with whatever daemons I have got left.

I let my fears drive me,
I let my guard cage my heart.
And I searched for happiness in places I never wanted to be.
But my dear misguided heart never knew this until the fire I kept putting out turned into the sun.
And my mistakes were like scars of a battle,
Worn proudly without a pinch of embarrassment
My mask buried in the ground,
My stories in your head.
My name at the tip of your tongue.

And I was sure I wanted to be here,
I am sure I am where I'm supposed to be.
And I know fairy tales may not be true,
And it's alright,  because I don't want a golden carriage or a prince charming,
I want that cozy cottage and the fireplace,
And my family around me to keep me warm at heart.
And forever don't seem like such a bad idea,
So I'd like to have that too.

That diamond on her.

It's 12 am and she is finally alone,

alone with her own thoughts, with her own reflection.

She unties her hair, perfectly styled , without any split ends.

She splashes water on her face, drowns her body afterwards,

that layer of fake skin is finally off of her.

Clear water turn black as it falls of her lashes to her cheeks,

she seems to look so different, so clean.

And there she stood, watching her own face after a long day,

feeling that tinge of coolness and hoping it stays the whole night.

Hoping she could do the same tomorrow morning without doubting.

She can't handle the cold water in the shower,

her feet never stays on the floor.

She turns her bath time to her karaoke stage,

singing songs with mixed up lyrics and not making any sense.

Looking at the mirror, smiling as if she has never had a heartbreak,

her crooked teeth show up, and she snorts while she laughs at herself.

Isn't it so beautiful, seeing her love her own self?

The worst disguise has gone down the drain,
Her freckled skin and the dimples at the bottom of her spine,

little things turned beautiful in time.

Her sorrows and regrets don't stand a chance.

She has changed and become better far too long ago.

Never listen to these strange sayings,

the superstitious lady across her hall,

the man who laughed at her when she failed to retort.

Then there is her mother, the one with whom she could never have any disputes.

Her father, her knight in shining armor, never letting harm find her.

Her sister, with whom she fought, whom she could not live without.

And this home, where everything was born, where memories clinged onto defeating time.

She was happy to have been found,

by the things she could not make sense without.

The books on which she spilled her coffee,

The photographs that were stacked in her room.

She was finally home, she was finally what her heart desired.

With the people she loved around her.

She never wore that fake skin layer,

she never saw water turn black on her cheeks again.

She never worried about the sayings.

She wore her skin and got kissed by the sun.

Turned grey in her own house,

listened to songs that she had wrote long back,

She was with her family, by blood and by heart.

and that smile, oh my, that smile looks like diamond on her.

She is you, she is me,

She is every girl on this planet, and maybe beyond.

And she looks beautiful in her own skin, she looks like herself without any layers on.

She looks like the girl who loves herself forever more.

So...is this?

So I'm turning seventeen soon, but it's just a number.
And I don't know why just the past three years are different than any other.
Why sixteen is called sweet sixteen?
Isn't every year different with its own twists and plots?
And I am not sure if I want to freeze the time or go back in it.
No, I have travelled past it by now.
But I still love the smell of old library books and black tea in the rain.
With all these rhetorical and sophisticated questions people throw at me
Even the simplest phrases gets complicated.
So is this about going back?

And all these slang, foul words and abbreviations created everyday,
Looks like people are forgetting to spell.
And the efforts of a teenager to fit in is so devastating,
Because in reality, she was made to stand out of the crowd.
Pity, isn't it?
That we don't realise how good we truly are deep inside rather than this mirrored face.
These classes gets so boring,
How come school never teaches us what it is to live like ourselves?
So is this about change?

High school has both ups and downs,
We need more shows like "13 reasons why" and less dramas.
High school is where you are supposed to make memories and not tragedies.
The laughter we share with our loved ones walking through the hallway,
Being ourselves and not labelling any other human being.
That's where we start doing good, even to ourselves.
The extroverts have their own lonely days.
The wallflower is actually a person with crazy dreams.
So is this about the prejudice?

This,my dear world, is teenage at its own design.
At least for me it is.
And sometimes it's okay to stand out.
It's okay to feel uncertain about your own feelings,
It's okay to question yourself.
It's better than regretting having made a decision that changed your life in a way you never really wanted.
It's better to be heard for good than for something you would want to take back.
Because we haven't even found out who we are, truly.
What magic we hold is still a mystery.
We are not there yet. I know I am not.

So, seventeen or any other number, it's just a number that goes up by one every 365 days after the day of our birth.
But, the feelings, the thoughts and the experiences,
That marks our age.
That shows us how much we have grown, how much we have lived.

More than this.

She flipped her hair, walked poised and had a pretty smile.
She knew everything and nothing all at once,
She thought there was an escape from this.
She wore make up to hide her puffy eyes,
She screamed in pure silence deep inside her head.
She thought of the times she lay awake,
Dreaming galaxies apart, gleaming into the night sky.
She had to run she knew. These voices were just absurd.
She took her classes and listened to everything.
She was told by someone that things aren't exactly how it looks.
She wanted to believe things will change,
So she did.

She believed in simple things and a simple heart.
Maybe that's why nobody understood her.
Maybe that's why her spoken words were never justified.
That's the root cause for why nobody ever wanted to listen to her
Maybe she might run now,
She might disappear into another dimension.
Where people don't judge,
Where love is not measured or marked down with mistakes.
Or maybe this is all another plan of her unknown dreams.

She carved her heart on pages and wrote her way into solitude.
She started to change, to be free of those demons.

She couldn't understand these noices and chaos,
She didn't know whether she should try or just leave it all.
She was so confused with these familiar faces,
She was in doubt, she didn't call this home now,
They look at her like she is a masterpiece though her edges are torn apart.
She held apathy to these materials, to these hypocrites.
Her cage was left open tonight.
This is a battle we all have fought.
I never knew what this was.
That little girl who knew nothing but simple things seems to be a faded memory now.
She has changed a lot and by far.

She slept without a blanket now,
She stared deep into the blackness.
She fought everything and everyone, she fought herself too.
They all remembered her now,
The close ones and far ones apart, she was no longer home.
She was what you call a thesis,
But she slept peacefully somewhere in the globe now,
She was home, she was herself.
The sixteen year old who had a deep heart.

She was no longer scared, she no longer needed validation.
She no longer dreamed of this heavenly place,
She was finally here tonight.