Promises.

I never told you I'd stay, but i promised to love.
And you told me you wouldn't let go but somehow you kept your word.
So tell me how we are miles apart still,
When we used to be so close like fingertips,
Crossed fingers or trusted falls.
We were flares that didn't die down in depths to bury
The galaxies that behold the gracious tragedies.
Humans turned ghosts even when they were lying on the same bed,
And we wouldn't be.
Like water that never gets touched twice,
You heart and my tears.
And you,
Oh you of all the ones I hold so close,
Why is it so hard to say goodbyes and hi to you?


I know love is something that flows in tears and echoes in laughter,
Bridges made in families, falling and burning
Just because you went away to be okay.
This is also love,
Because we want to be tended to, fallen for,
Mundane things always got the better of our race.
Somehow we dodged bullets and endings,
We didn't even start to write our fights
So tell me how can I let go of something I dream of to make a home?
Like lanterns that stay hovering, and we keep wanting to bring them down.
Love, are you my blood or my soul?

I'm wandering and you are hurting.
I know you wanted me to be the one i used to be.
But my dreams lie far out of my comfort amd for that,
I have changed the darkness inside me.
But oh my,
The love you have poured into my forming heart,
It has always been the same.
This is a promise I have sewed into the strings of the heart I hold.
And promises won't be broken,
Even when i have been. 

Wilderness.

Let me be, let me go far away from your expectations,
only to dismantle your beliefs about me.
From accusations to assumptions that have made my eyes run red.
and comments to labels that has made me lose my breath.
Wondering where i went wrong, or where i went right to myself.
to hurt you so bad to see me change, or be indifferent
as you would not have liked me to be.
When I was thirteen and i was smiling,
with just enough laughter, not to go out of hand or your lines.
When I vandalised what you planned for me,
only to be coarse with my words.
Yet i wrote so peacefully,
so why would you change on me?

Let me break, fall apart and still trust to fall back into your arms,
you don't have to earn this,
I'm always a piece of you, even if I am not in reality.
like the morning sun i barely see,
but the moon i'll always love beyond ocean depths and hurricane heights.
So bewildered upon the choices i make and break,
my own rules and my own mistakes.
Fighting every fibre of my being to just be atleast a glimpse of your dreams,
maybe i fought way to hard on a fleeting emotion.
Clutching my thoughts so tight as to my sleep vanishing.
Nights where i realised heroes were also lonely warriors at sea,
like the ground we bury ourselves in,
we bury our hearts sometimes way too young.

The beauty still remains in these,
for you find such a love where you fight,
even when you hurt so bad.
Yet you cannot help but feel so good, less proud some days to begin with,
but always willing to give your life up for those.
The fragility of our ribs as cages we often miss,
and sometimes this is why we let our hearts break a little too much.

Home.

And i could swear over my drowning breaths,
that i saw you glance over my ice cold lips.
You, the hands that have held my warmth.
and caressed the edges just the same as my curves.
I could find faults in the spaces between our fingers,
what good would it be? I'd still talk about you as an epitome,
the one that made me laugh and shiver.
Like sea blue water that turns red,
deep inside my fathomable flesh. Cores that turned into craters,
Moulded by your feverish touch and then with love.

Home, come home to me.
where daisies and lilies are not in vases,
And all we would ever need is simple silence in between chaos.
Like the anarchist i am and the solitude you have bred in.
I'll dissolve inside myself and be a whole fragment,
another version. You and me, we would be free.
But even then we would get lost during days,
only to find comfort in the nights where would lie still.
And you would doubt the same thing as me,
or maybe it's just my assuming playing with my reality.

Whatever it may be,
we'd go places and we'd still come back to the very first four walls.
In which i became yours and you were always mine,
like our souls had finally found the empty exits,
only to travel into each others.
And maybe that's how destiny works.
For I was with you the whole time,
and I never really knew you were mine.
Crepes and rainbows, we don't go together as per the world.
and what we didn't know was that we were our own worlds.

Only this time,
we weren't worlds apart.
From here on and forever.

Ocean.

It was green, i promise it was.
But it's blue now and I'm lilac,
With a hint of your rusted gold on my blistered edges.
Blades don't cut as deep as the love you envy.
It was sin and it was heaven's home.
I'm colder than this ocean, and
You are shallow than these empty corridors.
I won't compare you and me,
We are same but I am indifferent to begin with.

Now you are yellow,
And I'm fading. Creating space in your absence.
Like those freckles in your eyes did for the art.
I'd be your muse until you have to leave this home, yet
This was more like an escape from safe shores.
Where our phasing emotions fluttered so we could survive.
Plain cold dinner left untouched,
Houses made out of compromise.
Blood that was dripping from walls.

Nightmares that were believed to be dreams,
That could've been true.
How fragile can hopes be?
How do you vandalise the love you need?
If questions are left in bathtubs
And sincerity down the drains,
Would you still clutch my brain, in thoughts that play games.
Like fleeting moments that rule me,
I'd be an utter anarchy.
Why do we strive and starve for empathy?
Isn't falling in love a metaphor?
Because I know, everything that falls breaks,
And broken pieces can shatter too. 

Velvet sins.

I've known you for less than countable,
And more than oblivious timings.
So you've got something on me because i don't usually lie in between these.
And my heart doesn't usually burn, it aches but now its different.
Somehow you cannot fathom my reasons but understand my love.
Here in between lies and lines.
Promises and faults, i guess we have found incompetence to be alive.
Like melting wax on her diamond finger.
Ethereal dreams are so beautiful to break and mend.

Love being indifferent and scars being caressed,
Sanctums and pilgrimages turned to destinations for material.
We've come a long way destroying what we hold so close even when it burns.
Can you not see how meaningful your breath is in this hurricane?
When your embrace is all i need and your velvet sins are long forgotten.

Where i lie peacefully and i do not hesitate to fall in depths and drown.
Where i know i can break for the better and the rain doesn't make me sicker.
When humans are just not mere objects,
And feelings are not words on pages.
I will fall in love with your velvet sins,
But don't expect my skin to be soft on your fingersn

Crown.

touch my own skin, feel the indifference in these craters.
cold blooded dreams and warm nights,
diamonds in her teeth, sinking into the vulnerable mess of his kingdom.
serene death and awakening in a crown, she is the sight to behold
in these empty oceans.
sand in between her fingers, she has buried herself,
and him alive.
the stars witness her dying with every gem in her crown between his collar.
creases on her old skin because her stories are unfolding,
bullets on every wall, every withering flower looks to her soul,
why is it evergreen? is it love?

he remembers her soft hair on her cheeks,
flowing in the wind, the rain in which they soaked, smiled.
with his hands on her  curves  edges and her grin. it haunted him every lonely night like every lover does.
but it hurts so good, shallow hearts can drown too.
she vanished too soon, yet she is here in his silent dreams.
too good to be told. her crown burning his pride, his throne, her memory.
green, amber, gold, silver and then comes blue.
dark, deeper, heavier, breathing in her everlasting mystery of these unknown kingdoms.

she was kind, when things were complicated,
blood on her rusted knife, devil in her house.
cards that never saw the deal.
ironically sarcastic, satire of making one of them.
yet love them,
can love destroy more than war?
everyone's pretty , when you are losing everything,
you should see her walk in her crown.
silence is her favourite echo.
there you go, an elude from ordinary.
crowns don't only belong to queens and kings,
but warriors too.

Lover.

Mother,

I’m sorry you won’t get to see me in my red saree.

Father,

I’m sorry you won’t get to see me graduate from the prestigious college.

Sister,

I’m sorry I never told you about my thoughts.

Myself,

I’m sorry I didn’t stop when I was hurting.

Future,

I always wanted you in green.

Past,

I did not want to succumb to this part anymore.

I don’t know why, 

I. You.

I don’t know what I should I tell you.

Whether I should cry.

Speak my mind?

Or just listen with a butchered heart.

Sorry I make my words so black.

Purple is my favorite color.

I don have anything in them.

Stranger,

We have become friends now.

I’ll confide in you for today.

Family,

Please don’t think of me different.

Every thing you think of me is not me in any grail of my skin.

Home,

It’s the streets that make me happy now.

Different.

Lover, Myself

I do not know why I hurt you.

I do not know why I lied to you,

Should have walked out when they asked me to.

Should have broken my bones when they kicked me off the bed.

Cold needles,

Green paper dress,

I remember the blood on my chest.

Do you?

You said forget leave it.

You said that it’s over.

It wasn’t.

It hasn’t.

Now it will.

Should have stayed.

Should have been different.

Strangers.

take me home,

maybe i'll fall in love with it again.

maybe i'll see past myself and my drained thoughts this time,

maybe i did so before,

i'll try harder, this time, i promise.

take me to the same places we laughed in.

don't take me to the walls where i confined myself and my sorrows in.

lock the room in which you criticised my poems.

i do not want to cry anymore.

maybe something is broken in me.

my skin has never been touched.

I've pushed away the soul that loved me.

i saw myself around people that loved me,

they claimed i never loved them.

i did nothing to prove them wrong either.

i was tired.

i was tired, tired of being tired.

tired of percentages,

of words, of tears that never were seen.

of the laughter fleeting, paining.

i'm sorry,

sorry, you don't get to know what i feel.

i'm sorry.

am i?

sorry?

lights, in your fingertips.

you knew how to kill someone and shatter their body,

leave them on the floor,

and then love them than the minute before.

do you love me that way?

if this is love i do not want it.

are we together anymore?

are we happy?

my words protrude beyond sensible pain.

you do not understand me in this version.

every heart holds light and darkness.

my sins are not your needles.

being prolific of another last time.

we are not lovers.

we are strangers different.

always loved.

love,

someone you knew.

Eulogy.

Why is that I hear a scream every time you say that name?
I remember the old forsaken ways,  the empty houses with people.
I remember the old happy days being replaced with new ones that make me faint and drift away.
Oblivion and infinity intertwine in my words,
Love and hate being compared and chosen from.
Clarity over fights that never made it's way into reality.
Why did you fight?  If you only intended to end it anyway?
How come you never warned me I was going to be the fool,
How come you let this happen to me when I believed in happy endings?

And I swear, I heard my lungs collapsing,  my mouth quivering,
At the very sight of your shadow over my new life.
I don't know what to say when I see your graceful face,
I know the demonic blisters underneath your silver smooth skin.
I screamed and I remember it now,
Those voices in my head were mine and you told me it was illusions.
And now you are back to make sure I am one too.

Then I run,  I run and crash into you.
Rip you off from your infamous prestige,
The way you ripped me off of my humanity.
When the love stories seemed to burn in my tongue,
Happy endings that were torn apart from my eyes.
I was drowning in air,
Like it was salty water I had just inhaled,  back then
Or why else would I wake up with pale blue skin.
"Have some faith. " , he said.
Back then.
While his flaming eyes of ego etched my brain of a nightmare.
While I lied there draped in white,
Draped in white,  and under my skin
Blood ran cold and the casket was going in.

But you threw my world into a hurricane and watched it from the eye.
And you told me I was going to live trapped inside this feeling of never being safe.
Of eyes that will rip me more off of myself.

But now that I am saw and away,
I don't remember a help that came.
I don't remember people listening to me speak in vain.
And I remember laughter that subdued my screams.
Back then, things were never easy to be the same.
And now I am here and you are nothing more than a nightmare.
And one day I'll never have you hanging over my life again.
One day.

Imagine if this was an eulogy of a seventeen year old.
Would you cry or be her?
Would you wonder if you could have changed the world for her.

Walk away.

Walk away,
Walk away if you need to,
From the green grassy earth to the barren one.
From the home you’ve built to the one you only dreamed about .
From the sun to the moon.
Walk away if you have to.
But don’t walk upon me,
I’m not your trek road nor your trademark.
I’m not you or the one you wanted me to be.
I do not need you any longer or your validation.
You’ve used up all my grace and now you’ve got nothing on me.
Nothing chaining me to you.

I’m not your trophy nor your disposal.
My hair is not your clutch purse,
My hands no longer yours to grab.
My face never your punching bag again.
You are not my sanctum,
The ring no longer my circle.
I won’t run from you or for you.
I’ll fight, I’ll scream,I’ll raise my hand, my voice.
You’ll see the demon in my eyes,
I’m never letting it die again.
I’ll make my ground , throw away your drawers
The memories or pain won’t keep me awake.
I’ll sleep in my bed, not being afraid of shadows.

My skin will be happy, it will never be blue again.
My bedroom floor will be empty,
Not your clothes or my shattered body will lie there again.
You won’t come back.
Even if you do, you won’t see me.
There will no longer be broken mirrors,
No more torn clothes.
I’ll walk away, away from the love which wasn’t love.
I’ll walk away.
I’ll leave for a better chance.
I’ll stay alive and safe, far away in a home I wanted.
Your empty promises will be in my past.
A past I’ll never let another have.

We can walk away.
Away from the trash and torture.
We won’t run for a second,
We’ll fight every biased mind and fight every blame.
We’ll stay strong and we’ll stay safe.
Because I did, so you can do the same.
For our daughters and mothers and sisters,
For the ones who never had the chance to say a word.
Without being framed.

Let’s walk away with every broken piece and left over dignity .
With hopes that still beat feverishly.
You and me, we can fight to walk away,
We no longer have to stay. 

Hysterics.

Beauty is seldom seen and held by the very few,
Yet it’s been boasted about by the millions that tread this planet.
Shining bright like that rusted stone,
We hold a piece of every soul that have made its way into our lives.
Though we may not know what we possess,
We seem to know what we do not want.
For our minds are our battlefield
And the voices inside our head are not what they seem to be.

You asked me for my patience and you gave me anarchy.
The world I knew was fading and now all that remains are ruins.
Trying to remember what a memory looks like.
Knowing what’s wrong yet I do not wish to move .
A million things going wrong, but everything feels so right.
A hundred feet I fall and I learned to fly high.
I lean into your scars and see how immaculate they are.

We were ready to break the air for the things we loved,
Now we burn our bones and keep the love warm.
We seem to love what we have realized.
And you look like you’ve forgotten your ways which haunt your days.
You seem to live like a story that makes me rush.
Your hands intertwined in my thoughts.
Keeping me alive with the things that run wild and free.
Your promises like a book that’s been reread by my soul.

You are another hypothesis bidding me a new adventure,
And I am your favorite hysteric.

Him and I.

"Do you think people really change? "
He asked me in between the cracking of our call.
And I fell through my memory lane.
It was a hard [thud] fall and not a stroll.
The dreaded nights and happy mornings.
Goodbyes over hot coffees, lunch with nobody.
Music with no symphony, lullabies that never made me sleepy.
The torn books, stained shirts.
Stitches and blood on the bathtubs.
The love,  the friends, the strangers in the middle of the conversation at 2 am.
The movies I binge watched.
The eyeliner that covered up my sleepless eyes.
Long shirts and funny socks.
Plans and trips we only talked about.
Dreams and virtues that we're written down.
Faith that wouldn't drown.
Sins we tried to forgive ourselves for.
Lovers that were lessons.
Treasures that was only on top of the misery.
Greed that turned his heart to stone.
Fame that changed a brother to a photograph.

Hallways where our laughter still echo.
Lunchboxes that were filled with magic in our mouth.
Houses we lived across.
Lives we never touched upon.

I was brought back to reality with his clear voice.
And all I could say was
"We do in papers and stories. We try in real life. "
I glanced at the ring on my finger.
The promise of change and what-nots.
For a greater understanding that lies in my heart.
A buried question I was not afraid to ask anymore.
"Would you want me to change? "
And I realized that I wasn't afraid of the question but the answer.
I regretted every second after.
Then all I remember is the vow he made over my silence
"Not even in our darkest days.  I'd want you to stay the same for the eternity you write about. "
I woke up hearing that on repeat everyday then.

Maybe we don't change.
So we don't have to ask anyone else to either.
And then do not compare change to betterment,
It never was the same to begin with.