Epiphany.

 Every Sunday morning, I watch all these pictures behind my eyes,

I remember us being so perfectly loved with each other.

And classically forgetting about every worry beyond our world.

Then I became stoic. To this feeling of all my insides turning against me,

You sought after me and ended up lost.

I gave up all of our happiness for something else,

for not having guilt. To walk into my home without having to keep my head low.

You've made me so happy. So happy that I can revive myself

every time my faith hits rock bottom.

My bed is bigger than before, the devils in my thoughts at times.

This wasn't an environment I could feel the pain.

All my anger took my wounds different. Beyond my surface,

I'm stronger than I want to give credit for.

All the villains and heroes and the damsels in distress,

they didn't give me hope anymore.

I don't like some of my scars because I didn't choose them.

I've always been the happy and funny child, the buffer in the family fights.

No one knew how toxic it got at times.

We came so long to have it all right.

If only you could see all the strength in me now,

Mother, Father, see me without all your expectations.

I once craved talks with you, 

those that didn't leave the room or are repeated.

I wish I told you this before. 

I love what I've become. All I want now is to have love for what I used to be.

I'm the same beneath all the layers.

I've found love within myself finally.

I've seen what vulnerability does to us,

but I see it so much different than a moment of weakness 

or being fake or needing attention.

It's the most beautiful to watch someone be themselves.

There's so much pride in that, I never understood before.

But when I watch myself,

I hope you see that your daughter is so much more than you expected.

There's so much beneath my surface.

One day, I'll walk home with you, I'll tell you about me differently.

I quite miss our home.

Part of me.

 He doesn't say i love you until I do,

and it breaks everything in me, to hold myself under the shower.

I stay there feeling like this is every kind of love.

I see how my father laughs with my mother,

but he doesn't cry with her when she hurts.

All the memories in which he says it's his wish,

where she has tied herself to his life has somehow lost its value.

For I somehow believed this is what every sacrifice turns into.

He knew what it means to hurt so I believed him when he told me,

I hurt him. I've broken him. 

And somehow all the hurt, the bruises, the nights I clutched my pillow

and cried into silence without making the smallest of echoes,

I forgot everything, the days he didn't treat me well.

I gave it all up to fix what is us.

While I still lie wide awake till I can sleep without bloodshot eyes,

as I break all that I am and all I am left.

I see my mother and my father, loved by one another

yet she deserves to be heard more,

Here I am, believing I'm safer if I am alone.

My wounds bleed into his scars,

We used to be so beautiful.

But I am nothing more than an enigma to you now.

I drifted away, with all the sadness I pushed beneath my skin.

You knew me before I broke.

I've lost you. But I'm still fighting while you wait.

I never believed you'd hurt me or leave me.

Here I am, I've seen how my home has turned into what it is now.

The walls know more about us than we do about each other.

How can I build something with you while where I am from 

keeps crumbling down into ruins slowly.

Everything I grew up in, I've outgrown them all.

I need you to stay,

but then I hear your voice and I feel like all the love is drained from it.

And I've always been the one to fix others,

when I need help myself. I believed I'm not broken.

I was scared of all the feelings that I buried,

Here I am.

I'm just a part of me. And I'll not let you make me feel responsible for needing time.

For feeling like I need myself more than ever.

I am my mother's daughter.

And she has always had strength even when she was alone.

Finally, I get her and she will get me.

And if your love is as true as you say,

I'll find my back to us, one day.

Every us.

 Every book, every song and every romance,

we believed we belonged to the love stories.

The ones that end happily in a way, like the ones we see on the screens.

I believed all I wanted was a romance.

and then I met you. We were just you and me.

without definitions. We talked for hours without any labels.

Because we weren't supposed to be seen yet.

and you told me one day we will. So all the grey skies will be pretty.

Like the rain on the back of my hands,

the walks beyond time and the silence that made me want to write books about us.

We were not the love story we set out seeking at fifteen.

we're the kind of story that people search for,

the ones they pray for. You made faith look beautiful than it used to be.

every day that we stay apart added to the eternity I dream about.

I remember walking to you, and I was so blind

That I didn't see the love in your eyes then.

Too young to know what love is.

So you showed me what it means to be a friend.

And your heart looked like mine. 

every crack and every bruise, every flower and every piece of me.

Loving you is like seeing in colours in a black window.

we aren't made for now, because we are meant to be.

And like that, every us in a parallel world aligned one by one.

to let us collide into each other, in plain sight.

For every us, it will always be worth it.

Royals.

black and blue, faded into the sirens and the red light.
he was screaming, she was grasping for breath.
tires screech but the room is locked, and he goes at it again.
she's tired and bruised and looks for the light,
she believes this is the end of the tunnel.
but it didn't stop there to her horror.
he was crying, telling her how much he loves her.
he doesn't apologise and she is tired, she wanted to be covered in ice.
then men of power comes, they shred the last of her integrity,
questions her and makes her believe she was wrong for justice.
she goes home, scared to lie in her bed,
because he is free, and she is trapped in nightmares.

he was conscious, he was bullied and beaten up.
he didn't see his father be nice to his mother.
maybe that's what turned him so wrong.
so he grabs her by the hand,
he believes this is love in a twisted way.
he owns her body and soul.
but he doesn't know he is wrong. so he hurts again and again.
he was scared of the boys locker room.
he was scared of another persons hand on his body.
he was damaged but he was said he shouldn't show it,
it was less of a man. so he became the man he grew up seeing at his home.

these are the royals,
they've burned their sanctuary, because they grew up believing you need to burn,
to feel warm.
so they took the flames, they swallowed it all.
and the powers of those in suits and ties, shadowed their dignity,
or whatever was left of it.
and they ran, because they wanted to be alone and free.
in a bed made out of love and free of blood,
they are royals because they built their empire out of ruins.
women and men who had to run, for safety, for peace.
they are royals because they stood tall even after they fell down.
i am a royal. but i hope you never have to be one.
i hope you are safe.
let's hope you make an empire without having to run.

Safe to forget.

the flowers were lilac painted blue,

the rain was pink and the sun was red.

and we'll have conversations to write on our polaroid.

and she was as wild as you can write about,

and he was the anchor that kept her grounded.

there was love but there was happiness.

and in this world, it was a sacred thing.

it was safe to forget that what's hidden isn't gone.

it was safe, for all we know everyone wanted love before happiness.

and they found a way to melt into one another.

he knew she was meant for greatness,

but she saw the brightest fire in his eyes.

the thing about this love was that they weren't prisoners in each other,

they knew one was meant to fly while the other was meant to run.

cold as it sounds, their warmth lies in this.

she build castles from ruin, she was gold that never turned grey.

she could be so beautiful, so brave.

knowing kindness is all that she dreamed of, she saw the world once through fire,

she was safe, because she'd walk through hell for heavens to move.

she knew the devil lived in her,

he saw the truth in her as she fell,

her body eclipsed in the deep blue of the ocean.

he saw love, he could see she loved so deeply,

now the ocean lives because of her.

she was the fire, the flame, the water and even life was hers.

in the darkness she bled for the light.

she knew their was something beyond forgiveness.

so she took the pain for the happiness,

she screamed for everyone even when she had no one.

he knew he found an angel within this mundane world.

and she would be the death of him, and he will live for better.

he knew what it was to be loved the moment she held his hand.

it's safe to forget, 

she was the earth, the ocean and every thing that doesn't end.

for love is better left unexplained.

i hope this reminds me to be grateful,
when i am not myself and there's only ashes.
there's only darkness that pours out of my door,
i hope i remind myself of all the love i am made of.
of all the love that is fighting for me even when i do not deserve it.
i want to remember that i am beautiful.
that beauty is not toxic, it does not give you power.
but it gives you humility, kindness and even pain,
for hurting yourself to make something happy.

i hope one day someone reads all my letters to feel better,
i want to be a reason for someone to fall in love.
i want to be happy, but i want happiness for you as much as for me.
to be truthful hurts but to lie, it breaks.
it breaks bones, hearts, love and even trust.

you've lost your breath for someone once,
but you'll keep breathing for yourself,
for the ones at home,
when you fall in love, it shouldn't be with conditions,
it shouldn't be judged by anyone.
when you hold his hand, i hope you see a pretty smile in your face.
walk back to your home, watch your father and mother.
learn that love is different for everyone.
see them smile at your baby pictures happily,
you see love. because love is not just meant to be felt, but seen,
heard, read, loved, and what more.

paint your walls yellow so its sunrise when you wake up at night.
show some vulnerability, no one should have to have it all together every day.
and as i write in my study, i know he is still asleep at home.
poems that got me through school and life.
maybe you can be apart and still love deep.
i hope you remember, you will always be loved.
i hope i remember, i am always worthy of love.
i hope i'll know everyday that darkness is as beautiful as the flower in my nightstand.
all you have to do is love your own heart through all the storm.

i was there at 2 a.m,
when you needed to know you were loved.
i stayed till midnight to understand your reasons.
i told you i love you even when i didn't love myself.
took every hurt, every word like a bullet.
and covered my wounds with band-aids.
but every time it ripped i was on the floor.
i was a fool for thinking i could keep it all together.

for so long, I've loved myself so much because
just. just because.
your tragedy is always yours. and it's always the worst.
so is mine.
but i don't live or go back in the past,
i know it looks like that but it isn't.
i just remember things i don't want to.
you've stayed down for weeks, pushed me to a corner.
and i knew what i'll get towards the end was worth it all.
but i wish i was stronger to tell you i was hurt.

I've had way to many dark nights to see the light any different.
i'm just happy to wake up sad or happy, i'm just grateful for most days.
i know you don't like when i fall down,
but i need to break these walls and bones,
to feel like a piece of me is still worth fighting for.
because there are days i want to give up.
write a letter, leave a voicemail.
write a song for you and leave this city for a while.
but i want to come back to you at the end of everything.
so i'll stay,
i'll stay till the day i'm just someone and not the one.
because i'm scared a day like that is starting to exist.

for all the happy montages and sad songs and poems,
i'll be graciously grateful if i could be so.
and for you, i'll always thank life
but for me, i'll always make another wish.
wish to be understood without questions or reasons to hold me responsible,
just for a while my mind could be read without my mouth
i'll wish for myself to not be thought as to still go back to my past.
because i love myself and too much to lose it all on the things that gives me nightmares.
your tragedies are yours in your own way.
mine is just mine in a different way.
people are broken in different ways.
always remember,
if i could have ever been happy it was always with you and me.